How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
