Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
