Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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