The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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