Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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