wat bout pragnant strippers??
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
