Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
