At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This toilet bowl is my home.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
