She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
