He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
