I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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