he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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