O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
