I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
