the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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