I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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