Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
