We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
