I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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