he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
