at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
