I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
