the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
