did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
