Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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