I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
