I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
