Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
