sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
