I want to walk on stilts...naked
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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