Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We just shotgunned beers for America
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
