So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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