hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
