you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
