I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
