there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
