Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
