my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
