Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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