Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
