Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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