You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
