I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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