Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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