literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
you made out with another girl for some wings
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
