I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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