someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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