I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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