I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
