wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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