if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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