Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
