There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
