I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
