come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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