If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
