Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
my poor anus
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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