If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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