Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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